Dealing with Gossip, Part 1: So What Exactly Is Gossip?

Introduction

I’ve found that defining a sin is like clicking “yes, I read and understand” on those terms and conditions that pop up on our computer. We say we agree but we really don’t know what we’re agreeing to. We quickly agree with a pastor’s sermon on a particular sin, but when what we agreed with during the sermon contradicts how we act on Monday, we quickly cry foul, wanting to craft a new definition to carve out a space for what we just did. A young lady will heartily agree that adultery is wrong until you explain to her that the Bible considers living with her boyfriend as breaking the seventh commandment.

A Modest Definition

If you ask most Christians today to define gossip, they may parrot the definition I heard popularized by traveling preachers, “gossip is what you say behind someone’s back that you’ll never say to their face while flattery is what you say to someone’s face that you’ll never say behind their back.” Honestly, I like this definition. It connects gossip with flattery; the two usually act like two sides of the same coin. It also shows gossips are hypocrites—you can’t really trust their opinion on anything.

But there are two things I don’t like about this definition. First, it doesn’t actually define what gossip is. It merely states the setting where gossip occurs. Second, it leaves room for lots of exceptions. For example, a doctor with good bedside manner may discuss the nitty gritty of your condition with other colleagues but only tell you the general facts. I wouldn’t call him a gossip.

The best definition of gossip I’ve heard doesn’t come from a bible scholar, theologian, or pastor but a finance expert. I read a Dave Ramsay book almost ten years ago and immediately resonated with his explanation of gossip. Below is a speech where he defines gossip and how he deals with it in his company.

My riff on Ramsay’s definition is that gossip is a conversation among those with no responsibility that disparages another’s reputation. Let me break this definition down into three parts.  

First, gossip is a type of communication. It involves you and another person. Thinking scornful thoughts about another person all by yourself is called bitterness. Gossip is when you share that bitterness in your heart with someone else. Keep in mind, communication involves more than just words; it involves tone of voice, eyebrow raises, and other non-verbal forms of communication. This is why gossip usually covers itself with sarcasm. You can tell your friends “Tina is such a joy to be around” in such a way that they all know you mean the opposite. But when you see Tina later in the day, you to tell her, “I just told Josie and Helen how you’re such a joy to be around.” Gossips are hypocrites. They hide under the honesty and transparency others have built in order to lie and deceive.

Second, gossip is a conversation with those who have no responsibility over the person they’re talking about. Parents talk about their kids all the time. Sometimes those conversations involve scrutinizing the behavior of their children. That isn’t gossip. It’s gossip when the neighbors talk about how awful your kids are. Anyone in a position of leadership must talk about those under their authority from time to time because they bear responsibility for them. This is one reason why scripture gives qualifications and commands for leaders. When those with no responsibility talk with others with no responsibility about a problem, they aren’t solving the problem. They are just adding problems for the leader to later solve.

Third, gossip ruins another’s reputation. Gossip may start innocently enough. “Did ya hear? Joe got the promotion!” eventually turns into “I hear Joe only got the promotion because he’s a brown nose.” You see gossip isn’t merely talking about someone behind their back. It’s carelessly talking about them behind their back.

Conclusion

Maybe the last thing to say right now about gossip is that it isn’t loving. If you love someone, you protect their reputation. It’s impossible to have a unified family, church, job, or anything if gossip is allowed. In the following posts, I’ll speak in more detail on the biblical description of gossip and how to respond to it as a Christian.